12 Months To 30

As we near the end of June and July is just round the corner, so is my 29th Birthday and the countdown to 30 begins.

So I thought this was the perfect opportunity to set myself 12 goals, one a month, to get me to 30.

1. Get better at taking criticism – I am notoriously bad at being criticised and immediately assume I am being told off . Time to deal with that.

2. Learn to drive – I think by 30 I probably should have learned how to drive a car.

3. Maintain a weight below 60kg – that is within the healthy range for my height and age and will ensure I probably stop consuming quite so much sugar.

4. Get a promotion at work – I need to start advocating more for myself and making sure I am not overlooked for opportunities.

5. Learn all A1 vocabulary in Russian – I have been learning for almost 3 years and still I struggle to find the words I need because I haven’t made the effort to commit them to memory.

6. Grow a usable ingredient – I have recently become interested in plants and growing something. I want to grow one usable ingredient for a meal.

7. Make a new friend – I have struggled this last year with friendships and I want to put myself out there.

8. Sell something online – I want to explore e-commerce as a means of expanding my finances.

9. Visit 30 countries before I am 30 – I am already close to achieving this goal of experiencing new cultures.

10. Run 10km – I have done one 5km race in my life and I want to try and push that.

11. Journal once a week – It has never been in my routine to journal and I want to have some time to reflect each week, be grateful and strive for my goals the next.

12. Have a digital detox once a month – I want to be more present, I want to be more productive, scrolling on social media inhibits this.

What is love?

Is it him buying you ice cream but getting the order wrong?

Is it wanting to sleep with him but always ending unsatisfied?

Is it him knowing your stance on substances and knowing he is doing them behind your back?

Is it hating his friends for making you feel excluded?

Is it him asking to spend time with you but then watching a 2 hour YouTube video without you?

Is it him listening to what you want but choosing something he prefers?

Is it only dinner time if you are cooking, otherwise it’s a meal for one?

Is it lazy when it’s you but rest when it’s him?

What is love? Is it all this but in spite of it choosing him? Is it settling for knowing that maybe none of that matters? That maybe it’s just about counting the good days and moments more than the bad?

What’s it called?

What’s it called when your relationship is hanging on depending on how you feel after a Zumba class?

What’s it called when you are so tired of being the problem?

What’s it called when you can’t deal with being so disappointing to someone for just being yourself?

What’s it called when your heart is breaking and you are just reliving every moment of your life in tragic detail?

Disappointment

Where to start.

Disappointment is the word that is always thrown around to be more hurtful and impactful than angry. To tell a child you are disappointed is meant to have more scope and impact.

As a child I don’t think this was true, however as an adult. Absolutely.

With angry, you can fight back, you can defend, you can get angry back. With disappointment you have to sit in the feeling and discomfort of it with no escape. And that is the true problem.

Disappointment is an inescapable feeling, it will stay with you for life. It will turn up at moments of happiness to remind you that you were once a disappointment and to stop being quite so happy.

Disappointment is the most toxic thing we can give to a child. It’s grows in them, it undermines them, it punishes them long beyond us remembering why we were disappointed.

Don’t be disappointment in someone, be sad that something has happened, angry that they hurt you or tell them you need a break to recover from your feelings. Don’t install a feeling in a child that will grow to destroy everything about them and make them not feel worthy. They made a mistake, treat it as the temporary thing it is, don’t punish them forever with your disappointment.

If only it could have been you.

I wish you had been nicer to me.

I wish you had been able to tell me you loved me.

I wish you had listened when I asked you to change.

I wish I didn’t still think about you all the time.

I wish it had been you.

The curse of the pitfall

I am feeling a tad cursed. Doomed to not a day without a problem, an event to spoil it, the joy to be removed and replaced with the negative. Why when the day is running smoothly and well must an unforeseen circumstance occur that ruins it? Why I am cursed to feel that whirling in the pit of my stomach and the sting in my eyes. Why can I not bear even a day of just goodness, why must it always end in despair?

Hey you

Hey you, the one who I had to leave

Hey you, who seems to know me

Hey you, who seems to have a sense for when I need you

Hey you, to the one I am scared to remember

Hey you, to the me who misses you desperately

Hey you, to the memories that are rising

Hey you, to the dangerous road that’s unveiling

Hey you, wake up.

Hey you, remember what you have to lose and what you have given up to be here, don’t lose it on a message.

A New Month

I have finally made it, June.

A month that marks the end, that marks a return to freedom, a month that marks a return to me.

So today I awoke early, I exercised my body, my mind and my soul.

I am coming back to myself, and June is marking the start.

Red Repulsion

I am not disgusting.
This body isn’t gross.
This body doesn’t transform into a hideous beast.

It still deserves to be caressed.
It still demands pleasure.
It still yearns for intimacy.

The tone of wet doesn’t make it less wet.
The removal of a tampon is like the unhooking of a bra.
It requires a moment but the rewards are just as fruitful.

It’s a time of the month,
Not a declaration of closure.

The moments I am alone

It’s in the moments I am alone that I seek you

It’s in the moments I am alone your absence is so heavy

It’s in the moments I am alone that I think I have made a mistake

It’s in the moments I am alone that I think I’ll never be whole without you

It’s in the moments I am alone that I fantasise

It’s in the moments I am alone that I want to reach out

It’s in the moments I am alone that I worry about myself

It’s in the moments I am alone that I realise I am broken

It’s in the moments I am alone that I remember why I keep myself so busy

It’s in the moments I am alone.