Dear the pen pal I should never have had

I hope you are well and that life is working itself out for you! I hope all your family are safe and well and haven’t been too affected by the global situation.

What have you been up to? Where do you live now? What are you doing for work?

I missed our new year email, it felt like the right time for it to end but I still missed it. I suppose it’s odd, it felt like a chapter closing and I guess I never realised it was still being written. I suppose I was never ready to say goodbye to you, but we all knew that anyways. And as per usual, someone else had to stop it otherwise I would continue on.

I realised that in September it will have been 10 years since I met you. A decade! How fast did that go!? I can’t believe it!

I was reflecting on little me, the 17 year old who knew nothing about herself or what she wanted, but met a boy and that was enough for her. How much has changed, how much I have grown and how I know myself so much better but I guess I don’t think anything really knows what they want, but I don’t think a boy would be enough now.

I wonder if us 10 years ago would believe us if we told them how life played out for them. I wonder if they’d be excited. I wonder if they would be happy with our choices and what we achieved?

Sorry for the intrusion, I don’t really have anything to say, I just had the urge to talk to you and forgot that I don’t have any way or right to do that.

Send my love to your family.

My love always,

Your Jess and mine x

There was a time

There was a time when all I wanted was you. When that would have been enough for me. Where I didn’t see life as worth living without you in it. Where all my days and thoughts and self existed to be yours.

There was a time when I had to fight everyday to make it to the next. When I didn’t realise that I was fighting. When I didn’t realise I was growing and being shaped by that. When I was too young to understand.

There was a time when I was lost. When I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. When I forgot how to define myself. When I got stuck believing that I didn’t know what I wanted or where I wanted to be.

There was a time when I let others define me. When I measured myself against their matrix and came out short. When I was jealous of others achievements and forgot to see my own. Where I thought someone’s interests were more interesting than mine. Or where I thought if they had a passion I shared that I had to love it or know more about it.

There was a time when life was hard and I got too caught up in it.

And there will be a time where I am free to be me and am loved for that.

Conflicted

It’s 14:42 on a Wednesday afternoon and I feel conflicted.

I feel sad, I feel loss, I feel guilt.

I also feel like pushing forward, embracing myself, bringing the fun.

One side is winning out and it’s not the positive one.

So here are my words of wisdom to myself:

Allow yourself to feel all the emotions, acknowledge them, embrace them and then let them pass. Allow yourself to move forward and remind yourself that only you matter and nobody else’s opinion of you is worthy of your attention. Allow yourself space and freedom and do not worry about time frames.

You are a successful human because you got up today and lived.

The Brave Thing

Sometimes life throws you a horrible curve ball and you to fall over trying to hit it. And you still miss.

Sometimes the brave thing is to not fall, sometimes the brave thing is protect yourself.

Sometimes protecting yourself is the hardest thing you will ever do. It will make you feel awful and wrong because it’s so natural to want to give everything for someone else.

Being brave is hard. Being strong is hard. Putting yourself first when you have been beaten down and hurt is hard.

But you, my wonderful you. You are the bravest person I know.

A List Of Resolutions

1. Read 24 books

2. Limit social media to 1 hour a day

3. Do at least 5 minutes of language learning a day

4. Reach and maintain your goal weight

5. One affirmation a day – can be the same one, but be nice to yourself.

6. Reach academic year savings goal

7. Keep a diary. Focus on the positives.

A Fall From A Pedestal

I made myself vulnerable, and not in a way I have had to be in maybe years. I tried. And I got rejected.
It’s been a very difficult road for me to get here, to get back to feeling like I don’t hate myself. Back to feeling like there are moments in the day where I actually quite like myself. And I was willing to share that with you, to make myself vulnerable and bare and to try and make a connection. But you refused. And I am left sitting on the floor at 2:27am feeling like I am nothing. Like my body isn’t good enough, my personality is less than and my history is telling. I am crying and I am hurt. And all it took was no. When did I become this fragile person, that my self worth is hanging on a syllable that another person utters. I used to live on a pedestal. And now I am the one looking up at where she used to sit and wondering who she even was.

You are gravy

I am angry. I think at you, it could be at me, but I feel like it’s definitely at least projected at you.

The double standard for men is unparalleled. You do something a million times, I complain, we talk, you keep doing it. I do it once, and not even remotely to the same capacity, you become the victim, I become the bad person.

I am not a bad person. I hate to be made to feel like I am. I pride myself and gain the majority of my self worth from being a good person, a caring, compassionate, nice person. If you knew me at all, you would know that. If you knew me at all you’d have handled that differently.

You are gravy and I am a rock. We exist on the same planet but not in the same world.

9:17 2:06

The affirmations I am making for myself today for my long term future.

Job
I am becoming a fulfilled and successful assistant head.

Romantic relationship
I am open to, and attracting a happy and healthy relationship.

Family
My family are safe, healthy and supportive.

Friends
I have secure, meaningful and fun friendships.

Health
I am developing a physically and mentally healthy self.

Luck
Good luck is on my side.

Financial
I am good with money and am exceeding my financial goals.

Languages
I am becoming more fluent and capable In Russian

With enough money

Anyone can do anything with enough money.

That’s the claim. That the only boundary is financial.

Nothing is elite, it is just expensive.

That’s the claim.

Well it’s bullshit.

Money is an obstacle of course. But not the only one. It’s not the only thing that stands in the way of a person perusing a dream.

What about time? What about responsibilities? What about duty, expectation or reality?

What about race? What about sex? What about sexuality, religion or ability?

Not everyone can do everything if they have the money. If the only enrolment day falls on eid, if the company require you to work until 8 and you have children or parents who require you at 6, if the flight company say English is essential but you only speak 5 other languages.

Money is not enough to create equal opportunity. It is not enough to dissemble elitism. It is money, and has no more power than that.

It’s hard

It’s hard.

It’s hard to be away from your family

From your support network

From your friends

It’s hard to try and stay positive

And friendly

And kind

It’s hard to stay busy

And interesting

And distracted

It’s hard to not remember how it feels to be in love

Or be loved

Or enjoy that security

It’s hard to know when it’s the end

When you have bore all you can take

When you need to let the light back in

It’s hard to know when the light left

Or if it has

Or if it’s different here.

It’s hard to be perfect

Or strive for it

Or wish for it.

It’s hard to not be enough

For them

Or worse, for you.