Here Is To 27

Today I turn the ripe old age of 27. So this year, we are celebrating! Here are 27 things I have achieved:

1. I have lived in 3 countries

2. I have been in love

3. I have jumped out of a plane

4. I have made and kept supportive and wonderful friends

5. I graduated from university – twice

6. I completed my teacher training

7. I have read a multitude of amazing books

8. I have read a multitude of books I hated

9. I made a persons passing easier for their family

10. I made a mums days easier

11. I taught children how to read and write

12. I supported my sisters

13. I supported my parents

14. I bought an iPad through a summer job

15. I hosted a New Year’s Eve party

16. I have travelled to some amazing places

17. I started learning another language

18. I am able to touch my toes

19. I cooked Christmas dinner

20. I learned how to manage my hair

21. I lost weight

22. I have grieved and continued on

23. I did a solo travel trip

24. I got my philosophy a level

25. I wore yellow and liked it

26. I learned life isn’t all in the big moments

27. I got to celebrate 27 years of life

Body Image

I have been struggling with my body image for a little over a year now. It wasn’t a new problem for me, it was one that plagued my adolescence, but it came back for an encore last year and has been a nightmare to try and shake.

I have good days and bad days, but the bad days are impossible and it worries me.

I don’t want to be the girl who is sat hovering over the toilet with her fingers down her throat. I don’t want to be the girl who is hurting herself because she is so fed up with herself.

I am worried I have fallen down the path again and old habits have crept back in and I can’t fix it.

The Cons List

We have all done it. Made the pros and cons list. We all have a structure and scale of how we judge the lists we’ve made. We all accept that nothing is perfect and everything comes with it’s problems. We all acknowledge that we are included in that.

However.

Do we consider what it means to be a con? Do we consider whether the cons are livable or viable for long term tolerance? Do we consider the impact of accepting a con on ourselves and our lives? Do we show ourselves the compassion to draw a line earlier?

What makes a con not really a con? And when can a con become acceptable?

Wobbling

Feel a bit like I am leading a double life and nothing is computing.

Everything is very uneven and I am wobbling where I stand.

What am I missing?

Is there something going on? Or is it me that is missing a beat?

Don’t Fall Down The Rabbit Hole

You are peering in, you can see what’s on the other side, just like Alice you want to take a leap.

But be careful, you are not Alice and this is not a fairytale. These are feelings and heartbreak and him.

It’s easy to fall into a rabbit hole if you have been there before, it’s a magical land full of excitement, comfort and love.

But with every jump comes the consequences and you’ve lived through these ones before. Just because it’s a new day, doesn’t mean it’s changed.

Watch your step, I can almost feel you falling and I can feel the breeze of feelings on your face, the void in your head and the retiring of your mind.

Don’t fall in the rabbit hole.

Half Year Reset

Inspired by the video by struthless here is my half year reset.

Mind Dump

I’ll save you the pain of reading the nonsense that happens in my head

January Goals and What Happened To Them

1. read 24 books (have read 18 so am ahead of schedule)

2. daily 5 minute Russian (did this for January and then stopped)

3. academic money goal (am £700 below target)

4. weight loss goal (hit it, put back on 2kg, but it fluctuates)

5. daily affirmations (they are on my mirror)

6. limit social media to 1 hour a day (most days I do this)

7. keep a diary (I have done a photo a day instead)

Why I Missed The Goals and Why I Succeeded

1. I made targets for how much I needed to read per day in order to finish the book within 2 weeks to keep on schedule. I prioritised reading. I read on my commute. I fell in love with books again.

2. I was lazy, I find it hard and need accountability in order to do it.

3. I went on holiday and enjoyed my friends. I do not feel bad about this.

4. I went on holiday, I stopped exercising, I started eating all hours again.

5. I may not say them to myself everyday but I do look at them and I have been nicer to myself.

6. I put on a limit on my phone that shuts my social media down after an hour of use and I usually don’t test the limit of it.

7. I kept forgetting to write my journal and needed to catch up days and I felt guilty so I stopped altogether but have replaced it with something I am enjoying more.

Second Half Of The Year Goals In Order

1. Read the other 6 books I need to complete my yearly target.

2. Save my monthly target.

3. Exercise at home once a week, restrict eating hours a minimum of 4 days a week.

4. Learn some Russian daily.

5. Say something nice to yourself for every not nice thing you say.

6. Let yourself be vulnerable and brave.

Who Am I Going To Be

A dedicated, passionate reader who is positive and self accepting, considerate with her spending, compassionate to her body by building it’s strength and nourishing it, who is becoming proficient in a second language and is open and fearless.

The System

An accountability partner – need to invest in pressure and accountability in order to reach my goals.

Wake up 10 minutes earlier, fit as much in that time as possible.

Sticking To The Plan

Make Russian cards to have under pillow so that it’s easy to do or read a little bit of Russian without a time limit on the amount.

Be compassionate to myself, if I miss a day, just start again the next.

Why I Am Worth It

I am a kind, caring and generally positive person who deserve to continue to grow, develop and achieve. I deserve treats and success because I share those with the people I love.

Make change your passion

Make change your passion

The Risk

The risk of putting yourself out there:

1. Rejection

2. Embarrassment

3. Upset

The positive risks of putting yourself out there:

1. Acceptance

2. Reciprocation

3. Joy

4. Honesty

5. Living your life

6. An answer

7. Resolution

8. Bravery

9. A reason to drink

10. A story

Update

I haven’t written in a while, I haven’t had much to say. But here is a dump of the things that I guess have accumulated:

1) Will I or when will I be ready to reach out? Should I have let go? He probably has.

2) When did my friends become boring? Are they boring, are we just growing up? What I am trying to compete with? I enjoy cards and house drinks as much as I enjoy a club and yet I feel embarrassed? Sad? Disappointed? That I haven’t been to a club?

3) My optimism and positivity have been tested and I struggle with that.

4) I have never personally seen a slid into a DM. Don’t know what to make of the two scenarios happening right now, feel ill-equipped to advise.

5) Progress with zapping has been made.

Not quite out

I want to float

I want to escape

I want to sing at the top of my voice

I want to laugh

I want to feel bubbly

I want to feel free

I want to look good

I want to feel good

I want to be out