Update

I haven’t written in a while, I haven’t had much to say. But here is a dump of the things that I guess have accumulated:

1) Will I or when will I be ready to reach out? Should I have let go? He probably has.

2) When did my friends become boring? Are they boring, are we just growing up? What I am trying to compete with? I enjoy cards and house drinks as much as I enjoy a club and yet I feel embarrassed? Sad? Disappointed? That I haven’t been to a club?

3) My optimism and positivity have been tested and I struggle with that.

4) I have never personally seen a slid into a DM. Don’t know what to make of the two scenarios happening right now, feel ill-equipped to advise.

5) Progress with zapping has been made.

Not quite out

I want to float

I want to escape

I want to sing at the top of my voice

I want to laugh

I want to feel bubbly

I want to feel free

I want to look good

I want to feel good

I want to be out

As small as a grain

As small as a grain

Fearless

I miss being in love.

I miss being head over heels, inseparable, consumed by love.

I miss not being able to have a single independent thought.

I miss cuddles and love notes and warm feelings.

I miss passion and plans.

I miss it all. Every dirty grain of love.

Time, Distance and Change

They always promise that time or distance or a change will make an impact.

What to do when it doesn’t?

What do you do when you still miss them?

When you pine over bedtime stories and royalty?

When you dream of pyramids and pokey hotel rooms?

When you reminisce over picnics in the park and the toothbrush in the pink bathroom?

When you wish for the news or the scrape of information?

When you feel their touch and hear their voice in your daydreams?

What do you do then? When you have been given time, distance and change and it turns out it has made no impact?

Huh

A little lost here, love

What was that?

This is a game I have never played

And it turns out you might have won, and I don’t know how you managed that

Watch your step

Watch out little one.

You are on unstable ground my friend, and you might fall.

Keep that imagination in check.

Keep your head up and move forward.

Don’t get caught. Don’t start catching. Don’t drop, fall or walk off into a sunset.

You don’t know what you’ll wake up to in the morning.

Here again

Old habits die hard and my god am I paying for mine.

Social Sneaking

What do you do when a social media post sends you into existential crisis?

Write a blog post.

I go from feeling content with my life and happy and free from social pressure to have achieved xyz by age dot.

To sheer panic that I am running out of time.

That I picked the wrong path, that I could have had the boy who would have loved me and done everything I wanted to. But I chose the other one because he intrigued me. And where did that leave me? Here, in panic!

Dear the pen pal I should never have had

I hope you are well and that life is working itself out for you! I hope all your family are safe and well and haven’t been too affected by the global situation.

What have you been up to? Where do you live now? What are you doing for work?

I missed our new year email, it felt like the right time for it to end but I still missed it. I suppose it’s odd, it felt like a chapter closing and I guess I never realised it was still being written. I suppose I was never ready to say goodbye to you, but we all knew that anyways. And as per usual, someone else had to stop it otherwise I would continue on.

I realised that in September it will have been 10 years since I met you. A decade! How fast did that go!? I can’t believe it!

I was reflecting on little me, the 17 year old who knew nothing about herself or what she wanted, but met a boy and that was enough for her. How much has changed, how much I have grown and how I know myself so much better but I guess I don’t think anything really knows what they want, but I don’t think a boy would be enough now.

I wonder if us 10 years ago would believe us if we told them how life played out for them. I wonder if they’d be excited. I wonder if they would be happy with our choices and what we achieved?

Sorry for the intrusion, I don’t really have anything to say, I just had the urge to talk to you and forgot that I don’t have any way or right to do that.

Send my love to your family.

My love always,

Your Jess and mine x